26.3.16

I Have Become A Psychotic Love Maniac

I made this image ironically..

It's been a pretty interesting couple of weeks.

Basically about a month or two ago I became a victim to the love demon.
I say demon because if you are denied of the love you want aka get rejected or get your feelings hurt, it will torment you, just like a demon would.
(I speak for most girls, some probably take rejection lightly)
But not me, definitely not.
What am I even saying? Rejection has nothing to do with this story but oh well.
Lets break it down, one night I was having a period where I looked back on everything that happened in primary school, all the fun games I played, my friends but most specifically: Crushes
I had about two proper crushes in primary school but one of them stood out specifically, I think it was because he wasn't like most guys in my school, most seemed generic in my opinion but he, (we'll call him Tom for now) was genuine and sweet. Now I'm not saying the other boys weren't, they were its just that his personality stood out to me the most for some reason.
I constantly wish I could remember all my primary school moments with him.

Anyways during my nostalgia period I decided to pop up to Tom on facebook and as soon as I pressed him name, I saw so many past chats from about 3 years ago..
Oh memories..

Whilst trying not to vomit at my cringey replies to his messages I remembered how sweet he was so I thought "Hey, why not say hi for old time sake"
BAD IDEA
By doing so I had instantaneously rewoke all my past feelings for him and when I get a crush, I don't just get a crush,
I BECOME OBSESSED
And every little innocent thing he did, made me think he was COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH ME for example, sending a winky face.
So the next day at school (He goes to a different one) I walked around saying "I have a new bae"
Probably because a small part of me hoped it would be true one day so obviously my friends got excited, until I had to explain that for me, bae meant "An old crush that subconsciously gave me hints into thinking he's in love with me"
I thought day 1 of "Love world" was great, but day 2 became hell because as you may know, I tend to overthink so I kept thinking "Should I make the first move again and say hi?" "What if he found me annoying"
That went on for a while until my friends told me to grow a pair and make the first move.
I found out something shocking that day, we were just having some casual conversation until when we got onto the topics of girlfriends,he said he isn't interested in having one because he thinks they're too much hassle because you have to buy them things.
UNTRUE.
None the less that completely crushed my spirit but this was all before I exposed my secret regarding him, I told him I had a crush on him in primary school
HE KNEW.
When he told me this I didn't even know how to feel, but I did know that I felt relieved to reveal that secret.

After about a week of talking I grew annoyed because I realised I had to always be the "making the first move" AKA saying "Hi" first, this didn't sit well with my chronic overthinking and when my friends told me to "Ask why he never said Hi first" I always gave them a look of disgust because I only seem confident when in reality I'm really not, especially with boys I like so I knew I couldn't do that until one day I did but before I get onto that I want to talk about something he did, chronically.

He Blanked.
Midway through conversations he'd read the message and not respond and after going through his profile, I saw a few years ago my friend was going through the same problem with him and she asked him on his profile page "WHY DO YOU IGNORE MY MESSAGES?" and then I got my answer, he said "idk sometimes I just cba responding"

"Was I boring to him?

Now onto how I asked why he wouldn't say hi first, technically I didn't ask.
Boo me.
But I did find out something else I was curious about.
It always bothered me whether he found me annoying so I told him how I hated saying hi first because I questioned myself whether he found it irritating and he said I wasn't.

You're probably thinking, what do you actually see in him?
Well, what I loved about Tom was that he was nothing like the majority of boys in my high school, many just act like idiots to seem cool, well roughly 67% of them. To me, he was perfect, he cared a lot, whenever I had a problem he wanted to know about it, whenever I called myself an idiot jokingly he'd tell me how much I wasn't.
He was just, amazing.
Not sure if it was just his personality or if he was being super nice to me but I revelled in it.
Until I researched horoscopes and saw our signs weren't super compatible, he's a Cancer, I'm a Gemini.

Although I'm being told to not think too much of it, I can't stop reading about it.

I should probably end the story now, its getting super long.
I want this to be a thing though, like a saga as these events have happened very recently.
Let me know if you want more of this story because I have loads more to tell.

See you guys soon!